Stream of Consciousness
Katie Claire O'Brien is a talented comedy actress and writer, so it's a pity that she deleted her Twitter account after Elon Musk branded his X on the site. She had so many witty things to tweet, so here is a compilation of her wittiest tweets...
This is the most exhilarating thing to happen to me in a while….
Doctor: Are you an athlete?
Me: (lying) yes
Doctor: What kind of athlete are you?
Me: (caught lying, panic)...I hike.
Doctor:
Me: Actually, I’m not an athlete.
Excitement subsides. Back to normal.
It’s starting to feel like we’re never going back to normal. I’m not even talking about Covid. I'm just talking about… well… everything. I’ve noticed men who wear masks, their penises look bigger. I think the science is new, but wanted to pass it along. I love how we had this past year and now, all the sudden, Republicans are interested in keeping people alive. Apparently anyone who’s ever died was “the greatest.” At my funeral, feel free to say I was “just okay.”
Women: What about equal pay?
Everyone: But we’re putting you on THE MOON!!!
Whenever you post a picture on Instagram, I think you should be required to tag all your anti-depressants. I just want to take a moment to defend Ambien. Ambien doesn't make you racist. Roseanne Barr is racist. If I were Felicity Huffman, this is how I would handle the situation…
Felicity: "I'm pleading guilty. I have so much shame. I'm not Shameless. Speaking of...catch my husband's show on Showtime! I've learned nothing."
I'll straight up eat spring rolls in the summer and summer squash in the spring. I really don't give a shit anymore. Just found an old, hard boiled egg in my winter coat. Lucky day. On my way to Coachella. Just kidding. I'm on my way to 7-11 to buy two hard boiled eggs. Off to the super bloom! Just kidding. I'm eating a rotisserie chicken alone in my apartment. If you work in Real Estate, your bio should say: “My back up plan became my reality, but I’ll try and sell your house.”
I'm okay with Donald Trump’s decision to reprieve a pesticide that affects children's brains if he'll use it in the White House garden. Excited for the new Property Brother’s show, “I fucked my twin brother in this house.”
I’ve noticed that if I have a third cup of coffee, my emails beginning with “Just checking in!” increase exponentially. You don’t need to ask someone if they’re from the East Coast, they will tell you. To the woman with the gaping, open mouth and brain dead blank stare at Trader Joe's, I hope you get what you want out of this life. Whenever I'm at the mall, I just want to yell "Let's play a game! It's called walk fast and pay attention."
I'm on my way to the Royal Wedding! Just kidding, I'm sitting in a dry bath tub covered in beanie babies. Spotted: Bill O'Reilly on vacation writing "tits and ass" with a stick in the sand. Spotted Bill O'Reilly on vacation hitting on an Arby's employee asking how her roast beef tastes. He paid in quarters. Never trust someone who prefers to travel by train. Beware of anyone who insists it’s their “birthday week.”
Saw the Mueller Report. It’s just a really long CVS receipt. Really thought the delivery of the Mueller report would be like the end of Homeward Bound: Robert Mueller would come up over the hill, smiling, saying "We got him!" but instead we're all watching the end of Vicky Cristina Barcelona like "What the fuck?"
I know there’s a lot going on in the world, but also, where are all these fast, high speed travel trains we’ve been promised? Can’t wait for my future children to argue over who gets my Kohl’s cash. I don’t know what I’ll be like as a mother, but my mornings will probably start with “Who wants their cereal grilled?”
I'm getting ready for the Met Gala! Just kidding! I'm at Ross Dress for Less shopping for baby clothes to put on my dog. I keep thinking Jared Leto is going to grant us all three wishes. Now everyone knows I lied that summer I said DJ Khaled ate me out. Listened to Crosby, Stills and Nash's "Love the One You’re With" while sitting next to my vacuum cleaner and I need a nicer vacuum cleaner. Me at Coachella: “What stage is Game of Thrones playing?”
Women are constantly thinking about getting murdered. Walking my dog at night? Murder. Alone in a parking lot? Murder. Ordering at Chipotle - salsa or guac? Murder. I saw you in the parking lot. We made eye contact as I ate a rotisserie chicken in my car. A murderer breaks in. We make eye contact. I offer them a La Croix.
Murderer: Pamplemousse?
Me: …. Peach Pear.
I’m dead.