Audacity of Perspicacity
The cover was done by a Japanese woman who prefers to go unnamed. As for the article, it is a compilation of my philosophy from unpublished novels. Each statement makes sense out of context but together it comes off as a series of non sequiturs. Enjoy my freedom of speech…
1) Australian people sound like pirates.
2) Getting fired is probably better than being rejected outright. It's like the difference between being dumped and being turned down flat. Rejections receive less attention than dumpings.
3) There’s more room to copulate but less to populate.
4) People who fight together put the harm in harmony like how artisans put the art in party.
5) Anyone can be a misfit but it takes more to be an outcast.
6) Insomnia counts as an early bird situation like how some restaurant waiters are not late for work because they live in the rooms above the restaurant.
7) A hospital puts the organ in organization.
8) It’s a wonder that newspapers and magazines still exist when we have the internet instead. It’s the same thing with the existence of books versus eBooks. The wasted paper would be better used for pamphlets and flyers.
9) Nostalgia cures insomnia because it's like counting sheep.
10) A lot of the time in Hollywood, celebrities get married so that they can afford to live in expensive homes (especially if they own multiple homes). The standard deduction allowed on the tax return is highest for married couples filing a joint return. One advantage is that spouses can transfer money and assets between each other tax-free, which can reduce your overall tax bill.
11) Remember to differentiate between being paranoid and being righteously cautious.
12) A woman being blamed for being raped is like a bank being blamed for being robbed, except a body has more integrity than money.
13) “Unemployed” actors can still be hired by the government to be spies.
14) When you see someone smile in a photograph, it's the ultimate personification of putting the static in ecstatic. But if you smile just for the camera, then it’s no wonder why people say cheese.
15) In the old days, the slaves in the slave trade were literally trademarked.
16) Many people like to complain their lives are terrible but they're not blind nor do they suffer from Lou Gehrig's disease.
17) Addiction is a vice instead of a disease.
18) The definition of Sequela is a condition which is the consequence of a previous disease or injury, so imagine a sequel called Sequela.
19) Heavy metal is E=MC² because it's mass and speed combined.
20) You know that you're learning a language when the subtitles don't translate words which you understand from countless exposure. Reading is the best way to detect censorship. At the same time, dubtitles are an insult to one’s intelligence.
21) Time zone differences prevent statutory rape for the same girl in different states.
22) There are so many lazy cheapskates on benefits who don't bother to look for jobs that the government surprisingly hasn’t forced them to join the army. The logic is that a thousand wastrels may as well be a thousand corpses, whether that be at home doing nothing or dying in the course of duty.
23) It's not every year that you get to have a cat-fight on the catwalk.
24) Insomnia counts as an early bird situation like how a waiter isn't late for work because he lives in the apartment above the restaurant.
25) Tickling your own funny bone is abstract masturbation.
26) Reality TV consists of poseurs imitating poseurs. You have commercials copying programs, and programs copying commercials. It's a binary effect that's designed to normalize behavior so that the viewers feel like everyone is doing it, even if it's only the people on the screen that do it.
27) A bong puts the vice in device.
28) Coolness is about being reserved in what you say and what you expose without coming off as being seen as a self-conscious stiff.
29) Being rich is about being able to purchase in the present instead of the future.
30) When you're feeling boxed in, you have to get some breathing room. That's why fighting in a confined environment puts the box in boxing.
31) The best back-up for a cop is never in plain sight but they are in plain clothes.
32) The meaning of life is making the most of what you have in a way that allows you to make people realize it by helping them.
33) Suicidal people commit suicide because they believe in reincarnation.
34) Why do people ask ‘Do I know you?’ when you approach them? They should know if they know you. The question should be ‘Do you know me from somewhere?’
35) The worst acting looks and sounds like amateurish sarcasm.
36) Reality TV exists because real stars want more privacy whereas directors don't want to get ripped off by having their techniques aired before their films are released. There was a time when Entertainment Tonight was about actual entertainers and not fame merchants. Unfortunately, the effect of reality TV was undone by celebrities baring all on Twitter and Instagram.
37) It's better to be lonely than bored but it's better to be bored than miserable.
38) You can try milking the cow till the cows come home, but you won't exactly get lightning entering the bottle the second time round.
39) The zzz onomatopoeia was made for generation Z.
40) Blue + yellow = green, therefore embarrassment + cowardice = envy. Yellow + red = orange, therefore cowardice + lust = tanning. Red + blue = purple, therefore lust + sadness = bruising or purple prose. Green + red = brown, therefore envy + anger = eating chocolate to reduce stress.
41) The rapping equivalent to Spın̈al Tap should be called Vinyl Scrap.
42) Hapless people should study Hapkido so they can be happier. Self-defence is a haptic thing that happens under haphazard circumstances.
43) Waiting room magazines are pointless because of phones and tablets.
44) The best way for depressed teenagers to console themselves is a video game console.
45) Winners put the win in wine, and champions put the champ in champagne.
46) The one thing that rich and poor people have in common are the degrading synonyms used to describe their status: filthy and dirt. Fittingly, there's a minor difference between how a Chinese speaker pronounces greed and poverty.
47) Put the mission in commission because the best missions require teamwork.
48) Product placement can easily be critic-proof if it’s satirical like when it happens in a send-up of anything or anyone.
49) An expert on perfume and aftershave puts the scent in cognoscente.
50) Wanting eternal beauty is like wanting immortality, just get the most of what you have before your time runs out.
51) Sometimes when you put 2 and 2 together, you get hit by a 4x4.
52) Compromise is the embodiment of a promise. Compromise is about commitment since compromise has promise in the spelling. Commitment often means compromise instead of sacrifice because sacrifice is an extinction, whereas compromise is a suspension.
53) Learning how to cook is pointless when you have restaurants and fast food joints.
54) Most people like to dismiss something as a coincidence, but the difference between serendipity and a coincidence is that a coincidence is a way of assuring someone about accidental timing.
55) People who have true love/hate feelings for someone are not going to admit it. That is the true definition of a guilty pleasure.
56) If people, especially bosses, turn a demand into a request, there will be less conflict. To say ‘Please’ makes the biggest difference. A little bit of politeness goes a long way.
57) Why do people feel the need to put themselves down so they can get more compliments? It's reverse psychology at its worst!
58) You're only too old when you can't keep up with the pace.
59) Spitting image should be splitting image because splitting photos of two lookalikes would allow for symmetrical comparisons. Spitting image should mean a caricature.
60) The best teacher is a pirate whereas the best student is like a parrot.